


It's Always Sunny in Pacific Rim: The Gang Meets Charlie's Cousin

by drakonlily



Series: It's Always Sunny in Pacific Rim [1]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: AU, Crossover, Humor, M/M, absurd comedy, wtf am I doing with my life?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-06
Updated: 2014-08-06
Packaged: 2018-02-12 01:18:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2090328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drakonlily/pseuds/drakonlily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Gang thinks that Charlie has been kidnapped and turned into a super human, super smart, super tattooed sex robot. There's also a giant rat in the bar.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Always Sunny in Pacific Rim: The Gang Meets Charlie's Cousin

**Author's Note:**

  * For [crankyoldman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/crankyoldman/gifts).



"O-oh! Hey, Hermann, real quick before you get into something."

"I have yet to have coffee...and you have yet to make breakfast, Newton." Hermann sat down at the kitchen table and rubbed his hands over his face. Despite the lack of clarity, Hermann slowly realized that his partner was slightly more fidgety than usual. "You're upset."

"My cousin...ah, I'm going to have to watch him for a while. His building is getting fumigated."

"Watch him?"

"Ah yeah, he's mentally...slow."

"How old is he?"

"Like...30, but mentally? 10. Please don't break up with me."

"Why would I break up with you over your mentally handicapped cousin?" Hermann reached absently to where his coffee cup belonged. His right hand made a slightly pathetic grasping motion and the sound that he made was half longing, half whine when he realized the cup wasn't there yet.

Newton pushed down on the coffee press and slid the cup over to Hermann. "He doesn't really know that he is mentally slow. His name is Charlie and he's a slightly functional illiterate."

"That's not a problem, I'm not a bigot against the disabled. Why would I be upset? As long as we have things to entertain him and he doesn't break anything..."

"There is disabled and then there is—"

The door banged open. "NOOT NOOT!"

Newton looked more serious and exasperated than Hermann had ever seen him. "Charlie."

Hermann did a double-take. The man in the doorway could have been Newton's twin. If it weren't for the fact that the other man looked like he had been playing in a sewer and was completely free of tattoos, they would be identical. He smiled widely and let a large duffel bag drop to the floor just next to the coat rack. "Thanks man, for letting me stay here with you. They're roach bombing my place and Frank told me that I couldn't go to the big house anymore on account of me eating the cat's food."

"...We've discussed cat food, Charlie."

"It's just as good as people food! There's pictures of fish and shit on it."

"You can use the kitchen and make real food."

"Oh _yeah_ , you have a kitchen that works!" Charlie hurried over to Newton and hugged him fondly.

Newton struggled slightly. "Have you showered this _month_?"

Charlie considered for a moment, his brow furrowed in deep thought. "What day is it?"

Newton shoved his cousin away and pointed down the hallway. " _Shower_!"

"I didn-"

"Now!"

"Okay! Okay, sheesh, you're acting like Faraday." Charlie didn't argue further and toddled his way into the bathroom.

Newton sighed. "Everyone else is out of town," he explained, meaning his rather substantially large family including brothers Tesla and Faraday and his sister, Curie. "He can actually cook, I have no idea why he doesn't do it more. And he can use the keyboard or any of my instruments."

"Newton, it's seriously fine. Why are you telling me this?"

"Just...keep an eye on him, he's usually fine just sitting down, watching TV. I'll get some finger paints or something." He looked at the duffel bag and sighed loudly, "and clothes." 

"Wait, you're leaving me alone with him? I have barely had coffee."

"Right, finish your coffee. I'll be right back. He's harmless."

Hermann nodded. "Fine."

Less than ten minutes after Newton shut the door, Charlie walked back out in a towel. "Hey! Where's Newty-newt?" He shrugged his shoulders and offered a hand to Hermann. "I'm Charlie!" 

Hermann couldn't help it; he found Charlie slightly charming in a totally buffoonish way. "I'm Hermann. Newton is getting you some clothes."

"Hey! Those clothes have meaning to me, man! I've had them since highschool!"

"I thought you were 30."

"So I patched them a bit, but as long as you don't wash them too much, it's fine!" Oddly enough, he made a beeline for the kitchen and began digging out pans. "Do you like milk-steak?"

"What?"

"OOOOOOO LUCKY CHARMS!" Immediately, cooking was forgotten as Charlie stuck his hand in the box. "So do you live here?"

Hermann didn't know how Charlie would handle any details about Newton's love life so he shrugged. "I'm just, ah, a friend of Newton's."

"Oh! So you're not Hermann? You know, The Hermann." Charlie made his way to the living room and flopped onto the couch. "How many Hermanns does he know anyway?"

"What do you mean, 'the' Hermann?"

"The Hermann! You-You know, the one that Newton's in love with. Some math guy."

Now Hermann felt a bit sheepish. "Oh…I hadn't realized he'd mentioned me."

"Well not you, if you're not his boyfriend...geez, man, get with the program!"

"No no, I'm his boyfriend. Ignore what I said earlier. I'm the only Hermann he knows."

Charlie stood back up. His face went through a wide array of emotions as though he was doing complex equations that would foretell a sequence that would make Turing proud. "Do...you...are you...wait. So you were always his boyfriend? What, do you like, hit on all the hot guys around you? Oh my god, you're lusting after my tight body right now, aren't you!?"

Hermann's cheeks immediately flushed hot. "No! No, that's—I said nothing about that!"

"Oh, so you're not attracted to me at all." Charlie didn't sound convinced.

"No, you're...no offense but you are not my type."

"Oh come on! Newty and I look identical!"

"No, we do not. Leave Hermann alone." Newton was thankfully very quick with his errands.

Hermann looked singularly relieved.

"Welcome home, dude! Your not!boyfriend was totally hitting on me, man."

"Go get dressed, dude." Newton tossed a bag of clothes at his cousin.

"I'm locking the door behind me. No-homo, Hermann!"

Hermann waited till Charlie was in the guest room changing. "I was not hitting on him."

"I do not believe you would hit on my cousin."

"I appreciate that." Hermann sighed "I didn't know if I should mention I was your boyfriend, in case he might be confused?"

"He's always kinda confused."

"I figured. Also, no offense to Charlie, but I do not believe his no homo."

"You should hear some of his stories...I don't think anyone does."

A loud explosion was heard from the guest room. "What is he doing?" Hermann looked concerned.

Newton knocked and a fully dressed Charlie opened the door. "What?"

"What are you doing?"

"Cartoons! You have all the channels!"

Newton laughed. "Here. I got you cookie dough. Have fun."

"Sweet!" Leaving the door opened, Charlie retreated back to the guest room with his cartoons.

Newton made his way back to the living room. "He will be happy there forever. I got him some coloring books, but you have to watch him. He eats the green crayons and..." He trailed off, then called over his shoulder, "Charlie, do your friends KNOW where you are?"

"Shut up Newt. Daffy Duck is on."

Newton sighed. "I'm going to work on making some adjustments to that paper and ignore the comments that you were totally wrong on."

"I was _not_ wrong, Newton."

All in all, it was proving to be a very quiet day. Hours passed and snoring could be heard from the guest room. Charlie was presumably in a comfortable sugar coma. The banging on the door started up the second Newton stood up to make tea. Newton and Hermann shared a confused look before Newton changed course and opened the door. "Hello?"

A thin man, a man who had torn the sleeves off of his shirt, and a woman who resembled a bird were crowded about the door. Their mouths all slacked open before the thin one exclaimed, "HOLY SHIT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?"

Newton, for once, was speechless. 

"Dude, you look like a science bitch or something OH SWEET TATTOOS!" The one with torn off sleeves interjected.

"...What are you doing here?" Newton could only assume that these were Charlie's gang from his stories.

The Thin One didn't seem to notice the question at all. "There's like this HUGE RAT in the bar!"

"...and?"

"What's with the science bitch glasses?" The woman didn't acknowledge any of the previous conversation at all.

"I ...need them."

"When'd you get the sweet ass tats? How did YOU get that hot?" Sleeveless asked. 

Newton took a half step backwards. "Hot?"

"Who said hot? I didn't say that."

The commotion prompted Hermann to get up and survey the scene from over Newton's head. "Pardon, but precisely what is going on?"

The Thin One smiled. "SCIENCE BITCH!"

Newton flailed his arms to get attention again. "What do you guys want?"

The Thin One looked affronted. "Come kill this rat, Charlie."

Bird Woman pressed forward. "Yeah, it's like a mutant rat."

"It like, chased Mac up a tree." Thin One motioned to Sleeveless, who was apparently named Mac. "He cried. It was really emasculating."

"Nuh uh! I fought it!" Mac then made horribly embarrassing motions that could have been an attempt at a martial arts form. "That's why it ran further into the bar. My sweet moves scared it. But then it made a stronghold in the office!"

"I'm not killing a rat."

Thin One had a slight whine to his voice. "But it's eating the paperwork, Charlie. It may actually get through the safe."

"I have zero desire to kill the rat."

"I gave it an ocular pat-down. It is SO a threat." Mac commented.

Thin One blinked then. He held his hand up as though he were holding Mac back. "Wait." He then leaned in, peering from Newton to Hermann and realization crossed his face. He then yelled over Newton's head at Hermann. "DID YOU KIDNAP CHARLIE, TATTOO HIM AND AND BRAINWASH HIM?"

"What?" Hermann asked, totally flabbergasted.

The woman spoke again. "I knew that science experiment was a bad idea! Shit, boners, he made Charlie too smart!"

"No no no, Dee, we all know that Charlie's not smart." Thin One said. He took a step back and posed in a leaderly, thinking manner. He then leaned back forward and breathed in deeply next to Newton. "You smell...not awful."

″What?″ Dee asked.

″Dennis, you can′t be serious.″ Mac seemed more confused than previously.

"Dude, you're smelling me." For what it was worth, Newton was confused too.

"Could you excuse us a moment?" Hermann pulled Newton back and slammed the door shut. 

***

Once the door was closed, Mac, Dennis, and Dee huddled together. "Okay, so...what is up with Charlie?" Dennis asked. 

Dee nodded. "Guys, we need a plan for getting him back who knows what kind of scientific bullshit that asshole is putting him through."

"Question," Mac lifted a hand, "will he keep the tattoos?"

Dee made a face. "Mac. They're tattoos. They don't go away."

"They may be magic science tattoos! We can test it, like dump water on him?"

"Good idea!" Dennis responded to Mac's horrible idea.

***

Meanwhile, Newton and Hermann were in deep, much more ordered thought. "Charlie looks so peaceful in his sleep." Newton looked loath to wake him.

"Well, how do we get his idiot friends to leave?"

"I'll just go with them and check the place out."

Hermann reacted as if this idea was worse than hooking his brain up to a giant lizard monster. "Newton, what if they injure you? Or sell you to another country?"

"They haven't sold Charlie to anyone." Newton was assuming that this was not from lack of trying, obviously.

"The one in the sleeveless shirt keeps staring at you, like he's plotting to sell you into prostitution."

"So, you come with me and make sure I am not going to get sold into prostitution."

"Agreed. I also want to make sure the poor rat remains unharmed."

***

On the other side of the door, Dee was taking charge. "So we're going to have to kidnap them. It's what non-experiment Charlie would do."

"Brilliant!" Dennis agreed. The gang shuffled about so Mac was closest to the door. When Newton opened it, he threw a very poorly executed karate chop at Newton's neck. He missed and struck the shorter man in the shoulder.

Newton jumped. "OUCH what was THAT?"

Mac, for his part, looked horrified. "You should be knocked out! WHAT DID YOU DO TO CHARLIE, SCIENCE BITCH?" Mac bounced from foot to foot. "YOU MADE HIM SUPER HUMAN!" 

All Newton could do was sigh and rub his shoulder. "We're going now?"

"I told you we should have brought the chloroform." Dee crossed her arms over her chest in a huff.

"Where do you guys get chloroform?" Newton sounded rightfully horrified at the idea.

Mac laughed as if Newton had said something stupid. "Uh, all bars stock chloroform."

"I'm pretty sure they don't!"

"That's why you don't make the big choices, Charlie. That's why you do Charlie work," Dennis answered.

Hermann was 100% done. "Let us just go see about this rat so we can all disperse and go about our days."

This comment apparently was worthy of Dennis' ire. "What do you intend to do with Charlie?"

"Take him to a movie!" Hermann had given up on trying to get Charlie's friends to realize that Newton and Charlie were two different people.

"Sounds pretty queer," Mac stated the obvious.

"So you made Charlie into a super smart, super strong sex robot?" Dennis asked.

Newton took his glasses off with his left hand and pinched the bridge of his nose with his right. "Go down the stairs, Dennis." He then looked at Dee as if he hoped she'd be understanding. "Dee—it's Dee, right?"

"Uh, yeah, of course. Are you still being brainy and shit, Charlie? 'Cause I think Mac and Dennis want to bone you."

Newton put his glasses back on and sighed. "No."

"Oh good, you're not gay, because this nerd look's kiiiinda working for me."

Newton immediately blushed "No! No I am gay."

This revelation stopped Dennis and Mac in their tracks, they both turned and looked up the stairs. "WHAT?" They exclaimed in unison, "FOR SCIENCE BITCH?"

"MY NAME IS DR. HERMANN GOTTLIEB!"

"Hermann. His name is Hermann." Getting that to sink in was a lost cause, but one that both Newton and Hermann were going to try. Instead of waiting further, Newton pushed his way down the stairs to lead the gang out.

"What are you staring at?" Hermann asked Mac.

"What's wrong with your pants? They're tighter than Dennis'." Mac was obviously staring at Newton's ass.

Dennis frowned. "My pants are not tight. My sculpted manly ass and package just fill them out."

"You take them in at the thighs!" Mac's voice had a tattle tale sing-song quality to it.

"I do not! Charlie does my tailoring!"

Newton blinked. "You have Charlie sew your clothes to fit...worse."

"Why are you referring to yourself in the third person, Charlie?" Mac asked. 

Newton sighed. "I'm not Charlie."

Dennis leaned into Mac and spoke in a stage whisper. "Brainwashed. And he looks really...different."

"Like, manly different." Mac agreed. "Maybe it's the tattoos." 

Dennis nodded. "Why don't you have those kind of tattoos?"

"Because I have a tiger!" Mac spun to show off the blown out tribal tattoo on his bicep. "Because of my catlike reflexes!"

"I dunno, I bet Charlie could take you now."

"You take that back!"

Hermann spoke in an actual whisper to Newton in front of the gang. "Newton, you think we could call adult protective services on Charlie? I don't think his friends are a good influence."

Newton made a conflicted face. "We're just going to see what the bar is like...he's...really happy with these guys, like...he loves his life."

Hermann looked less convinced of that than he was of Charlie's heterosexuality.

"We're just going to check it out. Okay?"

Mac pushed to the front and slid between Hermann and Newton. "Sorry Charlie, I gotta take you down to defend my honor in front of Dennis." He then spun in a poor attempt at a hitch kick.

Newton slid a half step to the right and Mac fell flat on his face.

Mac scrambled back against Dee's legs. "I KNEW IT! A KARATE EXPERT SEX ROBOT!" 

"Hey, Science Bitch, you think you could get Charlie to throw Dennis over the bridge?" Dee shook Mac off her leg. 

"He's not a robot." If you listened closely, you could hear Hermann's migraine set in.

"But, like, you programmed him, right?" Dee pressed.

Mac had made it back to Dennis. "We're going to just throw a bucket of water on him and then, when he shorts out, we'll get our Charlie back and he'll kill the rat."

"Great plan, bro. When he goes in to look at the rat, you get a bucket." He then noticed something. "DEE, stop looking at Charlie like that!"

"What? YOU were looking at him weirder!"

"You will not trap Charlie with your vile womanly wiles! And I was not!"

"Were too!"

"Admittedly, he is quite attractive." Hermann commented in the silence as they stood outside the bar. 

"No one asked you, Kidnapper!" Dennis and Dee responded in unison.

Newton blinked at the lit 'closed' sign. "Is the bar closed?"

"Closed? N-no, Charlie, you know how the bar always looks." Dennis was shocked.

Mac, however, was scandalized. "Wait, Charlie can READ?!" He whirled on Hermann. "You monster! THIS- THIS TRAVESTY OF LIFE ENDS NOW!" He stormed into the back of the bar with purpose, opened the office door, screamed like a teenager in the 1990s at an N*Sync show, and then ran off to the bathroom.

Newton sighed. "The rat's in that room?"

"Yeah! The office!" Dee was clinging to Hermann and peering over his shoulder.

Hermann was taking deep, counted breaths in and out.

"Do you have a trap or a box?" Newton asked.

His answer was blank, confused stares.

Hermann walked forward then and left Dee to claw slightly at the air and then clamber up on her brother. He looked around behind the bar before he found a small cat carrier. "Why is this – you know what? No. I do not wish to know." He walked to the door. "Come along, Newton."

A few moments later, Hermann and Newton walked out with a confused, moderately sized, tan husky patterned rat in the carrier.

It was that moment that Mac rounded the corner and dumped a bucked of water over Newton's head.

Newton stood stock still for a moment before he finally lost his temper. "OKAY LISTEN YOU IDIOTS. I'm Newton!" He unbuttoned his shirt and started wringing it out. "Newton! I'm Charlie's COUSIN. He's staying with me while his place gets fumigated!" He glared at Mac a moment. "Yo, tubby, eyes up here."

"Whut?" Mac attempted to look nonchalant and failed.

"My eyes, they are up here." Newton hissed.

"Wait, wait, so...you're hot Charlie?"

"Did you just call me hot?!"

Mac made a 'pft' sound. "I said 'NOT' obviously, get a load of Mr Ego here, hot Charlie."

"It's okay, I know he's distracting." Hermann smirked at Mac's horrified face.

"I am NOT calling hot Charlie hot! Cause if I WAS that would be totally gay and I'm a MAN'S MAN."

"So wait...hot Charlie is not really Charlie, so banging him wouldn't be like banging Charlie." Dee smiled widely.

"NO ONE IS GOING TO BE BANGING ME UNLESS THEIR NAME IS HERMANN."

"AHHHHHH WHY ARE WE YELLING!" Charlie himself stood in the bar's doorway. The new clothes that Newton had gotten him were covered in cookie dough and Lucky Charms.

"...YOU CLONED CHARLIE?" Mac exclaimed at Hermann.

"Yes, I obviously cloned him and made my Charlie a sex robot. A sex robot that is going to help me take this poor rat home, get it cleaned up and in a nice safe little rat house away from you idiots."

"Oh hey! Thanks for the help, even if you were kinda hitting on me." Charlie covered the side of his mouth with one hand and loudly whispered to Newton. "Don't worry, dude. You're family and I'd never bang your partner."

"...Thanks, Charlie."

"See you!"

Once Paddy's Pub was behind them, Newton and Hermann looked at each other.

"Let's never go in this bar again."

"No, yeah, never."

**Author's Note:**

> This is a gift for my lovely ladyfriend that I may or may not make a series. If you have any suggestions on what the gang and the characters from Pacific Rim can get into, let me know! 
> 
> Note: In my headcanon, Newton is the second of 4 children. His whole family is in the music industry aside from Newton himself. They're an extremely normal family. Hermann's got one younger brother and is from a tiny town in Germany.
> 
> Upcoming "episodes" 
> 
> Frank's Legacy   
> The Seduction Game   
> Dee Joins the Russian Mob  
> Charlie's Not!Girlfriend   
> Dennis Does Extreme Couponing   
> Your Charlie Goes to College   
> The Waitress Likes Hermann   
> Mac Joins the Force


End file.
